Thoughts on Perfectionism and Self-Censorship
Podcasting and writing can bring up a lot of sh*t.
This is a bit of a departure from the usual 13 Things Thursday, but it’s been on my mind recently and thought it deserved a post of its own. Lately I’ve taken to the practice of having several post ideas in my drafts and building out whatever calls to me that day when I feel like writing. This one just flowed out of me, so this is what you’re getting today. :)
I mentioned briefly in a recent 13 Things Thursday post that podcasting has brought up a lot of lessons in vulnerability. All my perfectionist tendencies and fears of being truly seen have bubbled to the surface. After recording an episode, I find myself wondering if I said something wrong or if people will take it the wrong way. I know I do this even with people who know me well, so these fears are magnified when speaking to an unknown audience. Going off-script without a way to edit what I say makes me feel even more exposed. In my writing, I can go back and clarify my point or speak to different lived experiences, but this isn’t possible when talking. I just have to sit with what I’ve said and hope that it will reach the right people, and that’s uncomfortable.
To some extent, we’re all under some level of scrutiny on social media, but when you put your words out for the world to see or hear, you take a calculated risk. Our feeds are full of conveniently-edited sound bites to make people look bad. Attention spans are so short that many don’t bother to do the research or check for context, so they just believe the terrible thing and assume the worst.
There’s obviously a difference between having a valid opinion that deviates from the norm and holding views that are truly harmful, but it’s so easy to take one small thing out of context in this environment. So I find myself overanalyzing everything I say for fear that people who don’t know me will misunderstand me. I feel compelled to censor myself, even though I’m co-hosting a podcast about discussing controversial topics, which is a little bonkers. The whole point of our podcast is to create a space for people to learn, be imperfect, hear both sides of an argument, go beyond surface level, and normalize casual conversations about topics that might be hard to talk about. We’re learning in community and hopefully encouraging people to be their authentic selves in the process.
So what am I really afraid of? That people will see the real me and not like it, or take something the wrong way and try to cancel me? In both of those scenarios, it likely says more about them than it does about me. What other people think of me isn’t my business or my responsibility. I can only hope that people will see my heart and my intentions, and that it’s enough. I’ll take responsibility and make amends as needed, because making mistakes is part of the learning process.
One thing that I’ve learned from Emily Nachazel (an amazing intuitive career coach I’ve had the pleasure of working with) is that when we launch something into the world, we often get a dose of its medicine. Through this initiation, we’re a testament to its power, which helps us communicate effectively to draw in our audience.
Let’s just say I’m definitely feeling the medicine now, but I have a feeling it will be worth it. I can’t wait for you to come on this journey with us. <3
XO,
Lauren